It's been a while since I've written anything here on my blog. I started Hillbilly Ramblin' 5 years ago this month and never did I dream I'd be writing about spousal grief. It's taken me almost 2 years to write about it on my blog. I've talked about it on my Facebook page and on my Hillbilly Ramblin' Facebook page but for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to write about it HERE. I lost my husband Timmy on September 19, 2017 and my world as I knew it was gone in just a blink of an eye. He died from a massive heart attack in our shed. Alone. He woke me up that morning to tell me he was going to his brother's to help him because he was having trouble with his motorcycle and then he said he would be at his mom's to spend a little time with her. He kissed me and I raised up to give him a big hug. He came home around 6:00 that evening. We ate supper and then sat outside making plans to build a porch. Around 6:30-7:00, he decided he was going to clean out his shed to make room for his motorcycle, which he was getting out of the shop the next day. He went to the shed and I went back inside to finish up some things. I washed dishes and cleaned up the kitchen. It was so hot that evening. A bit later, around 7:30-ish, I wondered why he hadn't come back inside to get a drink, so I made him a glass of tea and headed outside to find him. The door to the shed was shut...for some reason I automatically assumed he wasn't inside. So with tea in hand, I went in search for him. I looked everywhere. I went back inside, thinking maybe he had come in the front door while I was out back looking for him. I remember I set the glass of tea on the kitchen table and went looking in each room....But he wasn't there. We live on 5 acres and half of it is woods. It wasn't unusual for Timmy to just take off to the woods, for a walk, just enjoying nature. So, I got my 2 dogs, went outside and said "Go find Daddy" and off they went. By this time, I was beyond terrified. Timmy knew I couldn't hear very good and if he was in the woods, when he heard me yelling for him, he would have come back because he knew that I couldn't hear him if he yelled back. The dogs ran around for a bit but then I followed them to the shed. I saw a flash of light...still to this day I have no clue what it was. But I truly believe it was at that moment, that I lost him. I still don't understand WHY I didn't check inside the shed first, even if the door WAS closed. We always kept the door shut if no one was inside. I just assumed that if he was inside, he would have come out with all the yelling I was doing while I was looking for him. The only thing I can think of is that the wind blew the door shut. I opened the door and found him lying on the floor. I remember screaming, "Timmy...what are you DOING! NO!!" He was still holding a wrench in his hand....and he never let go of it until I took it out of his hands. A part of you truly does die, along with them. I miss him so much. There's no way to describe the pain. When spousal grief comes home your whole world is ripped apart and will never be the same again. Whatever you've imagined it would feel like, magnify it by a thousand. Most days, I'm ok or ok-ish now. But the first year was nothing but pure hell. I'm writing this as a sort of "closure" for me. I don't know why, I just feel like I needed to. It took me almost 2 years to come back here to the blog... to feel like I was strong enough emotionally to sit down and write about it. I've decided to keep writing on the blog about grief and how it's affected me. However, I hate for my blog to become a "downer" for people. But my life is no longer about "pretty flowers, rainbows and sunshine" attitude as it was before. My days are long and the nights are even longer. My Hillbilly Ramblin' Facebook page fills my days when I'm not outside trying to tackle the yard. (Which is a nightmare in itself.) Grief consumes a big part of my life now but thankfully I can now say that the heart-wrenching pain has eased up since the early days . Since losing Timmy, I've encountered so many others who have lost their spouse/partner and just know that my heart truly goes out to anyone reading this, who has also lost a spouse or partner. I "get" it...I understand. I'm learning to laugh again and some days are even happy days. It's a long, hard and lonely road to travel but I thank God everyday for my family, friends and my Hillbilly Ramblin' "family." ✻ღϠ₡ღ✻ God Bless ✻ღϠ₡ღ✻ |
HI! My name is Lori and I am a self~ proclaimed agoraphobic and rarely leave my home. My blog is a place for me to come and embrace my Edith Bunker tendencies and to share a few of the things I love. Stories, recipes and crafts, all with a little humor thrown in along the way! ღღ
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